Facing Fears

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Ski Jumping

When I was in fourth grade I wrote a “book” by the same title as this post. It was about the first time I [finally] went off of the 30 meter ski jump after my coaches had spent dozens of practices telling me I was ready. When I finally went, I realized I had let my fear keep me from an experience I could’ve enjoyed much sooner.

Just some pals goofin’ off in front of the jump near Minneapolis (where I competed on the 70 meter at nationals Winter 2013).

Every time I would get to the jump I would be spooked by how big it looked and how fast I knew I would be going, but step one was warming up. I would go for the jog, do the stretches, the practice hops on land, get dressed… each step reminding myself that there was always room to turn back. By the time I would find myself on the bar with my skis in the track, it would be too late to go back with any shred of my dignity. That’s how I kept training and competing, and also what has gotten me through life.

Thanks to some pretty aggressive anxiety, I’m almost constantly scared. It feels the same to me to be in a large group of people as it did to be on the top of the ski jump, skydiving, or trying other “risky” things. People always told me I was brave and I would laugh, if only they knew, but I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that bravery is not the absence of experiencing fear, but the willingness to do things despite feeling afraid.

Life Applications

At this point, I like to joke that I don’t know when I’m supposed to be scared. I get excited about big picture adventures and approach them step by step like with jumping, but the little details and interpersonal relations are what seem to be the most stressful to me. That also means that a lot of emotions get pushed to the backburner as I try and take each interaction one step at a time.

“You’ll go off of that massive jump but you’re too scared to respond to an email?”
Yes, yes that is correct.

Going all out…

When people hear that I am moving to Bolivia, they tend to have a big reaction. This always surprises me because it just seems like another next step in life – it’d be uncomfortable regardless, so let’s make it worth the discomfort. Everyone seems to be shocked when I explain that I’m pretty apathetic to the idea of moving, but it’s fight or flight time and this is my way of “fighting” (and yes, I’m talking to a counselor about that :P).

“Real” fears

So far, the biggest fear I’ve been able to identify is leaving behind my support system and being forced to trust myself to prioritize my own wellbeing. I knew I wanted to take some time out of Minneapolis after college regardless, so the idea of completely relocating isn’t intimidating, but leaving my goons behind sure is.

I’ve started forcing myself to face the reality that I have officially moved out of Minneapolis and only have a couple of days in Madison before I embark on my journey. I look forward to saying some last goodbyes before taking off, but now that the “see ya later” has begun, the nostalgia is starting to set in as I realize that I truly am leaving the country in countable hours.

Updates:

Over $18,000 raised so far!
Housing secured in Bolivia (with a roommate named Alyssa ironically enough)!
Packing in progress!
Work starts in a week!
Surprise party in Minneapolis was a success, pictures below!
Less than 120 days until I’m BACK in the States to celebrate the holidays with you!
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