Being Great

The car got towed today.

I’m not trying to make some profound statement (or copy the intro from the last post), it was just the fact of the morning and after walking to the wrong lot and finding out I had the wrong documents to retrieve it, I’m now at a coffee shop charging my phone before (fingers crossed) actually getting the car. The baristas are exclusively playing Lizzo (my queen) so I’m convinced today can still be great.

Yesterday was also great (I’m learning “great” can be used in much different contexts than I’m used to). I was sitting in a study center I had been too scared to visit when I was a student which sparked a long reflection about where I am compared to where I expected to be. Obviously there’s been a lot of unanticipated activity, but I’m proud of the progress I’m making. It’s taken intentional internal reflection to recognize that the growth hasn’t been what I was looking for, but I’ve pushed myself in ways I had been avoiding. Sitting in Anselm House, I was stoked to acknowledge the progress.

I’ll spare you the processing dissecting my entire life, but my default has always been to do more (I’m sure many can relate). Going into 2019, I decided to actively combat that and dropped from 20 credits to 9, quit a few extracurriculars, and created space for sabbath. I got back into my writing and traveled less but still didn’t learn my lesson. Summer came and I couldn’t conceptualize spending more time slowing down. I found busyness taking the GRE, visiting friends all over the country, and going to orientation for the IJM internship in Virginia. It was a good way to stay moving, but I did that all in the first two weeks of summer, quickly realizing how unsustainable it was.

I refocused and actually practiced resting. It sucked. I didn’t know what to do and instead of understanding healthy quiet time, I let my brain overwork and overcompensate for the lack of activity in my life. I eventually stripped myself of nearly every identity while I processed my headspace through July and August before moving to Bolivia. The idea of traveling abroad wasn’t stretching to me, but working internationally under the contract of a Christian organization was. IJM doesn’t require much, they don’t even have a statement of faith, and our partners wouldn’t know we’re Christian, but my spiritual journey felt like it had been negatively impacted by the Church rather than helped by it. I didn’t feel Christian “enough.” My stubbornness and independence made me hesitant to be thrown into their community but it was the most beautiful and stretching thing. The external chaos of being in another country supplementing the internal growth was perfect and the expats kept me moving at a healthy pace. It was far from flawless but it was progress.

When we were evacuated, I found myself forced to rest again. I started falling victim to old coping mechanisms (Did I have a ticket back to Bolivia with my name on it without IJM’s permission? Yes…), and realized that while in 2019 I was focused on finding PEACE, I still bypassed patience, collaboration, and faith by relying on my own skills. It’s been incredibly inefficient and insufficient. My 2020 goal is to TRUST.

I’m realizing 2019 wasn’t a painful waste even though I spent a year doing nothing and was sent back after trying to step out. Moving into 2020, I’ve continued to challenge myself by working with IJM (rather than moving back to South America on my own), exploring opportunities that truly seem insurmountable, and trusting this timeline has purpose. This might not have been the journey you thought you were supporting, it’s been frustrating and far from where I expected to be, but I’m excited to say that thanks to your continued encouragement, I’ve continued to grow.

“Ali walked four miles instead of making a phone call about the car today… just like she’ll have no fear on a ski jump but can’t ask someone a question, and will fly across the world but be scared to send an email.”

I’m learning to admit that pushing myself looks counterintuitive, but even in the down times, I am learning to see that I’m great.

Editor’s note: we did get the car back and there’s no such thing as “not Christian enough.”