Little Panic

It’s been a morning.

In Ali’s life, that can mean a lot of things. In the past, it’s meant that I couldn’t get out of bed and laid there for hours; it’s meant that I missed the bus and had to improvise a way to get to a meeting; it’s meant that I went for a run, ate a well rounded breakfast, and did thousands of words of writing. Ali’s mornings can be a variety of things and this morning was no different.

I was driving to a coffee shop after rolling out of bed, throwing shoes on, and driving my “roommate” to her 9-5. She had been dressed professionally, smelled good, and had a lunch with vegetables packed for later. I was still in the t-shirt I had worn to bed, I had dry shampooed my hair in an attempt to cover the grease, and I grabbed some trail mix to throw into the backpack that hopefully had a phone charger (since I was at 4% battery). As I was steering her vehicle, the music cut out and I saw that I had a video call coming through.

*Pause* – for all of you who are unaware of professional technology etiquette, never take a scheduled call and make it a video call without warning. In this case, it was a phone call from IJM that had been scheduled for last Friday, then had been pushed to yesterday, and apparently became an unannounced video call on a Tuesday morning.

Despite what my mother might say, I am a safe driver. I ignored the call and waited until I arrived at my destination to pick up (although I unfortunately didn’t have time to change attire). I stumbled through the call, trying to hide how it had caught me off guard, as the Interns and Fellows team told me that they had trained the woman in Peru in IJM’s requirements for hosting an Intern. I am officially going to Lima!

While that was exciting news for me, that was far from the purpose of the call. Instead, they explained that the head of security for the region of Latin America is going to Bolivia on the 16th for an assessment and if all goes well, IJM wants to fly us evacuated interns out for three days to pack up our things. That should be exciting, right?

Basically, the agency that was going to pack and send us our things (after we were evacuated with just backpacks) overcharged IJM and they realized it would be cheaper to fund three days in Bolivia for each of us. Recognizing that I’d be in a bordering country of Peru, they decided I should start my internship immediately following the stop in Bolivia. It makes sense, but…

The timeline is incredibly up in the air. No tickets can be purchased until the security assessment in Bolivia is finished. Then, they want us to fly out as close to the security assessment as possible to ensure optimal safety when we are in La Paz. That’s great, but…

When I first accepted the position to move across the world, I had months to prepare. Now, it is looking like I will have maybe a week’s notice. Obviously, this is what I want to be doing, what my contract is for, and what I’ve been waiting for. What’s triggering is that the last time there was broken communication and quick decisions made, it was incredibly out of my control and I found myself stranded for months. It is incredibly hard not to panic as all of these pieces are moving without my hands in any of it. I’m being asked to trust IJM, which I obviously want to do, but it’s been a stressful couple of months in limbo.

So, I’m sitting at a coffee shop, trying to process my emotions, wondering why I’m more spooked than excited (this is what I’ve been waiting for after all), and I see a book in front of me. Little Panic: Dispatches from an Anxious Life by Amanda Stern.

I haven’t read it (although after reading summaries online I’ve decided I will), but it reminded me how good our brains can be at twisting situations. Some of us have more lies to fight through than others (Stern supposedly dissects her inability to trust gravity, believing her mother is safe, and fear of forgetting she has a family), but there are plenty of ways to keep us grounded (even when it takes a lot of effort and patience).

My anxiety can look a lot like Stern’s, but what seems to be getting me the most right now is that this is the first time that I will be alone. In Lima, I will be the only intern and there is only one other IJM employee there. I know it will be possible to build community, but that takes time. In the interim, I will need to rely on my community from home (you all) more than ever. Can you help me? You can reach out through the comments, messenger, WhatsApp, email, the contact me page, FaceTime, Marco Polo… you name it (but my phone number will once again be discontinued so text is less likely to work). I’m super excited for this opportunity, but would feel even more supported if I could hear from you all as I keep taking tentative steps forward.

I will keep you updated as I learn more, but this is truly all the information that I have at this time. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! It’s hard to know which components of this process are interesting to you all as I keep juggling each piece of this puzzle. Until then, prayers and good vibes much appreciated!

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