The questions I can’t stop asking: Why is none of the abortion shame put on people with penises? Why are they not as upset about this as we are?
The short answer is that they are somewhat removed from the situation. It isn’t their body, it isn’t their choice, but they benefit a whole heckuva lot from abortion and it’s time they step up.
The man involved in my abortion said “I support you regardless of what you choose” while simultaneously making no phone calls, having no conversations about options, and admitting he’d choose abortion. He made it clear he thought his career would be ended, or at least on pause, if he had a kid and that he didn’t see any way for us to support a child. After I had the abortion, this same person was frustrated when I posted pro-choice content out of fear someone would realize he had contributed to an abortion. He’s continued with his career and today I can’t help but be amazed at the positive impact abortion had on a human who refused to publically support it.
We focus so much on the fact that 1 in 4 women have an abortion by the age of 45 that nobody talks about the fact that all of those women had a partner (and not always consenually). Everybody benefits from abortion access, and we need everybody speaking up about it, not just the ones with the uteruses. You cannot distance yourself from abortions because you know people who have had them. It’s time we are prioritized, and protected, rather than criminalized.
If you have been following this blog since it started, you likely identified yourself as someone who pursued “justice.” That can mean many things to each of us, but abortion bans disproportionately impact low income communities and people of color. You cannot say that you seek justice, support social justice, or advocate for others when you are anti-choice (advocating for the “unborn” is not justice).
With the overturning of Roe v. Wade there is the potential for more rulings to be reversed. Already, contraception and same-sex marriage have been explicitly named. Ironically, I got the news as I was prepping for a weekend of Pride events.
Pride is a space to radically love and accept yourself in your entirety. Those who don’t understand why Pride is so loud don’t understand how deafening the anti-LGBTQ rhetoric still is. It was while I was healing pieces around my abortion that I also allowed myself to begin healing the damage done by homophobic people and institutions around me. I began forgiving myself for buying into the toxic frameworks and allowed myself to step more fully into who I am. It might seem like Pride, abortion rights, BLM, and even environmental issues are disconnected, but for many of us they are all related. The same institutions and people telling me not to be gay were the same ones sending protestors to the clinic.
It can be easy to feel overwhelmed, confused, or so angry you don’t know where to go with it. I recommend starting small. Get in touch with your friends. Make sure your post-abortive friends know you love them and that they had an abortion. Make sure your queer friends know you love that they’re queer. Make sure your friends know you love them for who they are, with all of their complex identities, and not despite any of their identities.
When you’re ready (not “if”), get political. Make sure your representatives know what you support. Call them, make a fuss, vote in every election. Remember they work for you. Go to protests, show up at rallys, join a sit-in, whatever you have to do to make your voice heard.
Invest in marginalized communities. Buy from queer artists, donate to local abortion funds, check out that local Black owned business near you. Vote with your dollars.
Keep learning, listening and growing.
I’m linking three pieces that have been important to me this Pride month. The first is a song (music video embedded because it’s beautiful) to the artist’s younger self, the second is a song combating toxic religious ideology, and the third is a podcast one of my best friends was on sharing her coming out story as a lesbian daughter to a pastor. All are available on all streaming services.
Change happens internally, in our local communities, as well as nationally. Make sure you’re prioritizing growth in all areas of your life.