My original post was written and scheduled before the shooting in Uvalde, which was one day before the two year anniversary of George Floyd’s death at the hands of police. I can’t know how these events are impacting you, but I hope you are finding outlets for your feelings. I don’t have anything to add to the conversation besides asking you to grieve and engage when you’re ready. I went to a vigil at George Floyd Square, am learning more about guns and gun laws, and am staying connected to the community here. I’m learning more about how police responded in Uvalde, who is proposing gun legislation, what changes have been enacted since 2020, and how to support the families (links for Buffalo support in post).
If you’re religious, please pray, but do so silently (or within your religious community). If you’re a Christian, never let that replace being “the hands and feet of Jesus.”
My post is below for whenever you are ready/care to read it.
After the Supreme Court draft was leaked I got a text from my partner asking how I was. I quickly responded that I was totally fine. I mean, I am a badass who can’t be stopped (read: suppresses and avoids my feelings).
Thankfully, he knew to check on me later and found me curled in a ball where I had been for hours. He grabbed the biggest stuffed animal, my favorite fidget, and ushered me into his Prius where Lizzo was playing.
My goal has never been to be 24 years old and sobbing in a Taco Bell parking lot at 2am … but that’s where I was. And, it was exactly what I needed.
I had therapy the next day and asked my paid professional what the heck the meltdown was about. My mental health journey began long before my abortion and I have done a lot of healing specifically around the aboriton. I’ve found peace knowing I made the best decision I could’ve. I have no regrets. So, where did the tears come from?
My therapist validated my emotional flashbacks. Even though my partner had been there and helped me name a list of people I knew I could call at any moment if I needed it, my emotional system wasn’t accepting reassurance. It was remembering taking the abortion pills alone. It was hearing the pastors calling me a monster, the friends telling me they couldn’t support me, and all the nights I cried myself to sleep.
My therapist (who has a Christian background) was incredibly supportive of me sharing my story publicly. She confirmed it would be liberating, yet scary, and we talked through what my self care should look like.
The problem: having support and feeling supported are two very different things.
You all blew me away with the amount of love you surrounded me with after I posted. I got messages from distant friends, old church acquaintances, family I was nervous would cut ties … I really really needed to hear all of the encouragement you shared. Thank you.
There was also sadness from the messages that didn’t come. The grief of knowing not everybody will be able to see me the same way, or care to put in the effort to understand how I could make the choice I did. Or, work to understand what I might need going forward.
One common message I’m thankful for: “I wish I had known.” It’s nice to know if I ever need people, I have you.
AND you can still be there now.
In my last post I challenged pro-choice folks to reflect on ways they’ve still internalized anti-abortion rhetoric. I see it everywhere (primarily because I was so sensitive to it).
It can be hard if you’re not post-abortive to know how to destigmatize abortion. It can be hard if you’re not queer to know how to be pro-LGBTQ+. It can be hard if you’re not Black, Brown, Indigenous, or a person of color to know how to be anti-racist. When you don’t experience the push-back, you can’t always see where it is.
Two weeks ago an 18 year old murdered 10 Black folks after writing an 180 page white supremacist manifesto. On the other side of the country 5 were wounded in church, one killed, in an act of anti-Taiwanese violence. Last month a gay bar was covered in gasoline and burned down while full of attendees. And related to abortion efforts, Adora Perez was just released from jail after four years, for having a stillbirth.
This isn’t a post-racial country. This isn’t an anti-homophobic country. This country is still ruled by hate that is experienced on a daily basis.
The hard work of loving and supporting others is realizing we all need different things. We can’t always see what is impacting others. So we listen. We find folks willing to share, hear what they need, and trust their perspective.
My partner knew how to support me because he knows how to love me well. He’s watched anti-abortion legislature negatively impact me and has learned that even though I am objectively loved and supported, my memories play tricks on me as I heal.
What do the people in your life need to feel that direct love and support in between crises? What do you need to do to keep checking your biases and what will you do to hold yourself accountable when others aren’t looking?
I am endlessly grateful for the texts and messages, and I appreciate knowing there’s ongoing support as well.
To donate: Buffalo Mutual Aid
I love you, Alissa, and always will. Just remember that!! I am praying for you and always will. Peace, love, and blessings,
Grandma Judy